Like many, I believed 2018 would be truly redemptive after the shit storm of 2016.
It would see me taking more risks, moving boldly and finally having the vision to work for myself, I’d hoped.
And for the first quarter, I began to see some of this come to fruition:
- My first blog award nomination almost 2 years shy of my blog anniversary.
- Going freelance after quitting my full-time job [and possibly full-time employment indefinitely]
- Solo travelling to Colombia for 5 weeks, and exchanging my skills for a place to stay.
But my optimism was shortlived. 2018 has become the year of endings.
It has destroyed and uprooted everything that no longer has a home in me. Wounds, relationships, personas, shame, belief systems and redundant career aspirations.
Melancholy has been the soundtrack to my year. Melancholy punctuated by brief moments of peace. In trying to make sense of it all – feeling completely disillusioned with life – I’ve been flailing.
Spring marked the beginning of the end.
There are details about the last 11 months that are too painful to share on this platform, but the last few months of therapy have made this transition period more manageable.
I feel like I’ve been broken to be made whole.
If 2018 has taught me anything, it is that brutal honesty and authenticity is the only way I can step into my power.
I’m purging, and it’s fucking painful. But this is clear as day:
- I no longer want to [exclusively] blog about travel. I have nothing new to say or add. I am failing to see the value in contributing coffee shop reviews or cheap travel deals. I have lost sight of why I started this blog. I have failed to tackle the side of travel blogging that seems committed to ‘othering’ and regurgitating lazy tropes, and I may also be guilty of this. Admittedly, I sometimes feel unqualified to provide content of real substance. I highly recommend Bani Amor, who is well-versed in the decolonization of travel culture and diasporic identities.
- I am slightly disillusioned with certain ‘scenes’.
- I cannot continue to convince myself that privacy + isolation are a sufficient salve for feelings of shame.
- I cannot continue to seek validation from my peers.
- I am passionate about the idea of language preservation in relation to languages of Africa and the Caribbean. I am on the lookout for speakers or resources on Kromanti (a Jamaican-Maroon language of Akan origin) for a project I am working on. Please contact me if you have any leads and follow this instagram page in the meantime.
- I have always wanted to be part of a creative collective whose core emotional/spiritual needs and values align. A space where transformative love is practised, where we are supported and held accountable. These are the people you connect with when you walk in your purpose and the truth of who you are.
This city can feel uncaring – it’s important to find your community. I believe the services which support our mental/spiritual wellbeing and career aspirations should be easily accessible (and affordable). The need is there and so the space is being created – please sign up to our mailing list and instagram page for updates.
If you like my blog’s content and want to offer monetary support, please feel free. No contribution is too small: paypal.me/ElisiaTraveller